My favorite month is here!! Christmas makes everything so magical. I love the lights, the music, and shopping for my favorite people. Not to mention the tons of decorations!! =)
This year has a new meaning for me as well. I keep thinking that this may be our last Christmas not parents. Sometimes I can't believe life is leading me in this direction.
Last week we received our packet from SWAN (Statewide Adoption and Permanency Network). It had some brochures, a list of local adoption agencies and a letter of encouragement from the case worker we talked to on the helpline. After the new year we are going to meet with some of the local agencies and get our home study started. I'm so happy and excited, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
Everyone hears the adoption horror stories. Everyone knows the heartache that comes with it. Fost to adopt has it's own set of fears and sad tales. I haven't told too many people about our plan. I haven't even told my parents yet that adoption is back on the table. Part of that is because we all have been busy! Part of it is because I'm nervous about what they are going to say. I know my parents will support me in whatever goals I really want. But they are parents. They always want to make sure I know the challenges that lay ahead and that I really think I am ready. However, it's just exhausting having to explain how I feel or why. I suppose that comes with the territory though doesn't it?
No one ever asks bio parents "why" they are having a baby. But when you tell someone you want to adopt, despite the "Awesome!" or "That's so exciting!", there's always the inevitable "why?" The answer is simple my friends. I want to be a mother. I want a child to love and raise. Even if I could get pregnant at this very moment I would still want to pursue adoption. When I first started this train of thought I chose it because I thought it would be a safeguard. I thought it was the best answer since pregnancy is not an immediate option. However, that has changed. I have read so many blogs, articles and thoughts of adoptive parents. I have thought about my own adoption in detail, the special relationship my father and I share. This form of parenting is beautiful and full of rewards and love. Why would anyone not choose this? How could I think of it as a "default" option. Now I choose this not as a default, but as something I really want. I choose it because out there somewhere my baby needs a mama.
Because I feel so strongly about this, does that mean I'm not nervous. NO! I am plenty nervous. I'm nervous we won't be approved, I'm nervous that my heart will indeed be broken at points. I'm nervous we'll finally have our baby we have so desperately wanted and I'll have that "What was I thinking?!" moment. I'm nervous that this journey will be long. I'm nervous that our house is small or we'll be broke!
I can spend the rest of my life being nervous about everything but I have always been a shameless optimistic. I have faith that our home study will be approved. I have a loving, strong husband to keep me grounded. I have his love to heal my heart no matter what the situation. I have a crazy, protective, loving family who will always be there for me. If I keep these things in mind, then maybe my journey will be long but not as difficult. Everything works out one way or another. If my life has taught me anything so far, it is that everything happens for a reason and it is better to try then to never know what faith may bring.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
And now for something completely different...
It's been a few weeks since my last post and I have to say that I am feeling....optimistic?
Dear Husband and I had a long talk today. Our life has gone back to a normal routine. We are bouncing back from the renovation hell that engulfed our summer. Our favorite time of year is almost upon us. Things are not perfect but there's more of a balance than there was before. I decided to be completely honest and admit to him that my heart was set on adoption and I am struggling with waiting.
I think I would've felt differently about waiting if we were accomplishing something. Instead everything came to a crashing halt (rightly so). But after a couple months I still cannot let go of this dream. I think it was the first time I was brutally honest about how badly I want to adopt. I think the baby dream is still pulling on John's heartstrings as well. If things continue to go well and we feel like we are on the right path then in January we will begin the adoption process again (kind of). AHHH!
Of course as soon as he said January I felt a twinge of guilt. Is he doing this for me? Am I pushing him? He assures me that he wants to have children soon. It's always been on our life agenda and he lights up when we talk about having a child soonish. I suppose that will be the deciding factor for January. I need to feel like it's not just me, that he wants this as desperately as I do. I want him to show me that he is pushing for this and he will go the distance. I want him to bring it up instead of me constantly doing so. Maybe I'm secretly terrified that he still won't be emotionally ready and I will be heartbroken again...
But January is encouraging.
Here's the twist in the plot. I'm seriously considering adopting through foster care.
I know right?!?!
I always dismissed it in the beginning. I let the stereotypical myths scare me away. But I've been looking into it and the more I research, the more I like it.
The Pros for fost adopt:
We would be fulfilling our desire to adopt not only domestically but locally!
The cost is minimal compared to private adoption. (Superficial but hey, any money saved on costs can go directly to baby.)
No selling yourself to prospective birth mothers like desperate puppies in a shop window.
No birth mother expenses.
Children are already born and waiting.
We would get the opportunity to love a child and save them from the trauma of shuffling through multiple homes.
Etc.
Of course there are cons. However, I find that most of the cons could apply to all adoptions. There's a risk of getting attached to a child placed in your home that ultimately might leave. There could be long waits. Birth parents could delay terminating their rights. These could happen to anyone in private, fost adopt, or international. Adoption is not a guarantee. Getting pregnant is not a guarantee either. Choosing to have a child is choosing to take a leap of faith and pray that all goes smoothly.
Why not choose the road less traveled and adopt through foster?
We did not make any decisions yet but I feel that this could very well be the right option for us.
*Fingers Crossed*
Dear Husband and I had a long talk today. Our life has gone back to a normal routine. We are bouncing back from the renovation hell that engulfed our summer. Our favorite time of year is almost upon us. Things are not perfect but there's more of a balance than there was before. I decided to be completely honest and admit to him that my heart was set on adoption and I am struggling with waiting.
I think I would've felt differently about waiting if we were accomplishing something. Instead everything came to a crashing halt (rightly so). But after a couple months I still cannot let go of this dream. I think it was the first time I was brutally honest about how badly I want to adopt. I think the baby dream is still pulling on John's heartstrings as well. If things continue to go well and we feel like we are on the right path then in January we will begin the adoption process again (kind of). AHHH!
Of course as soon as he said January I felt a twinge of guilt. Is he doing this for me? Am I pushing him? He assures me that he wants to have children soon. It's always been on our life agenda and he lights up when we talk about having a child soonish. I suppose that will be the deciding factor for January. I need to feel like it's not just me, that he wants this as desperately as I do. I want him to show me that he is pushing for this and he will go the distance. I want him to bring it up instead of me constantly doing so. Maybe I'm secretly terrified that he still won't be emotionally ready and I will be heartbroken again...
But January is encouraging.
Here's the twist in the plot. I'm seriously considering adopting through foster care.
I know right?!?!
I always dismissed it in the beginning. I let the stereotypical myths scare me away. But I've been looking into it and the more I research, the more I like it.
The Pros for fost adopt:
We would be fulfilling our desire to adopt not only domestically but locally!
The cost is minimal compared to private adoption. (Superficial but hey, any money saved on costs can go directly to baby.)
No selling yourself to prospective birth mothers like desperate puppies in a shop window.
No birth mother expenses.
Children are already born and waiting.
We would get the opportunity to love a child and save them from the trauma of shuffling through multiple homes.
Etc.
Of course there are cons. However, I find that most of the cons could apply to all adoptions. There's a risk of getting attached to a child placed in your home that ultimately might leave. There could be long waits. Birth parents could delay terminating their rights. These could happen to anyone in private, fost adopt, or international. Adoption is not a guarantee. Getting pregnant is not a guarantee either. Choosing to have a child is choosing to take a leap of faith and pray that all goes smoothly.
Why not choose the road less traveled and adopt through foster?
We did not make any decisions yet but I feel that this could very well be the right option for us.
*Fingers Crossed*
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Deep Down
Hey all.
Well it's November. I'd love to tell you that we have moved forward in our adoption plan but we are standing very still. And it's killing me.
Things have been so crazy in our life and my head is still spinning. We had a major renovation that took three months to complete. The longest three months of my life, by the way. John has been struggling with some issues (non-adoption related). We went to our information meeting and it was fantastic. But the renovation took over our lives and we really needed a breather. So much stress was hitting us all at once. We've been back in the house now for a few weeks and it feels great.
However....
Now that life is starting to calm down I find myself thinking of our future baby. I know he or she is out there, waiting for the right time to come into out lives. But it just breaks my heart knowing that the right time is far away. I've been praying for patience. I've been praying for the strength to trust fate, to trust that life will happen the way it's supposed to be.
Some days it gets easier. Other days it hurts deep down. So deep I don't know where the bottom is.
What's wrong with me? How do I get past this.
Well it's November. I'd love to tell you that we have moved forward in our adoption plan but we are standing very still. And it's killing me.
Things have been so crazy in our life and my head is still spinning. We had a major renovation that took three months to complete. The longest three months of my life, by the way. John has been struggling with some issues (non-adoption related). We went to our information meeting and it was fantastic. But the renovation took over our lives and we really needed a breather. So much stress was hitting us all at once. We've been back in the house now for a few weeks and it feels great.
However....
Now that life is starting to calm down I find myself thinking of our future baby. I know he or she is out there, waiting for the right time to come into out lives. But it just breaks my heart knowing that the right time is far away. I've been praying for patience. I've been praying for the strength to trust fate, to trust that life will happen the way it's supposed to be.
Some days it gets easier. Other days it hurts deep down. So deep I don't know where the bottom is.
What's wrong with me? How do I get past this.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Standing Still
There's nothing too exciting to report. Our meeting is this Wednesday and I find myself twiddling my thumbs waiting for it to get here. I'm going through the every day motions of working and living my life. I started reading the much talked about Fifty Shades trilogy. (All I have to say about that is OH MY.) However, my mind is a thousand miles away. I've read the adoption book from cover to cover and back again. I don't know what I'm looking for exactly. The information is the same and I know when I go through the steps I will refer back to the chapters. Sometimes I feel like I don't absorb the words I see in front of me.
I think there's a defense mechanism lurking in the shadows.
That crazy little voice in my head says "Don't get too excited." My heart hurts when I go down that route. I'm always enthusiastic when it comes to my choices. I just can't help it. However, the wait to find information first hand so we can make the momentous decision to go forward is some sort of agony. If I were waiting for a home study appointment or waiting to be chosen it might be different because I would feel like I had done everything I could. Right now we are still, waiting to make a move. I hate that. My head says Caution while my heart screams JUST GO.
I never thought of myself as an impulsive person but the older I get the more I trust my go with the flow nature. Sometimes it's a battle, like right now. I'm fighting the urge to run to the future with open arms, to hell with caution. Then the rational voice comes back saying "You must do this slowly. Do not get too excited. Walk then run."
I know the next few days I will be counting down the minutes to Wednesday. I know I will go through work, life, maybe some more Fifty Shades like nothing is happening. Like I am not at the edge of a great decision, waiting for the pieces to fall into place.
I hate being so darn practical!!
I think there's a defense mechanism lurking in the shadows.
That crazy little voice in my head says "Don't get too excited." My heart hurts when I go down that route. I'm always enthusiastic when it comes to my choices. I just can't help it. However, the wait to find information first hand so we can make the momentous decision to go forward is some sort of agony. If I were waiting for a home study appointment or waiting to be chosen it might be different because I would feel like I had done everything I could. Right now we are still, waiting to make a move. I hate that. My head says Caution while my heart screams JUST GO.
I never thought of myself as an impulsive person but the older I get the more I trust my go with the flow nature. Sometimes it's a battle, like right now. I'm fighting the urge to run to the future with open arms, to hell with caution. Then the rational voice comes back saying "You must do this slowly. Do not get too excited. Walk then run."
I know the next few days I will be counting down the minutes to Wednesday. I know I will go through work, life, maybe some more Fifty Shades like nothing is happening. Like I am not at the edge of a great decision, waiting for the pieces to fall into place.
I hate being so darn practical!!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
One Week
Only one more week until we have our first information session!!! I am beyond excited to really get the process rolling. I'm obsessing just a bit but I just can't help it!
In the meantime, I decided to start a new branch of research entitled "How To Pay For This."
John and I are not rolling in the dough, so to speak. We are financially stable, can pay our bills, and can more than handle raising a child and supplying all the toys he/she needs :). However, the type of adoption we are thinking of will cost between $10,000 to $30,000. Every time I see that range my stomach drops. I get really nervous and a mean little voice says, "There is NO WAY you can afford that."
My research this past weekend has shown that there are hundreds of couples just like us. They can't afford everything either. While some have family financial support and some are lucky to be awarded the free grants that are out there, others are still struggling with the means to bring their children home. But as John says, "Where there's a will, there's a way."
Some advocate fundraising. That idea intrigues me and makes me a little shy. How can I fund raise and ask people for money? Isn't it tacky? Apparently, many people do not think so and are able to complete their goals due to the generosity of others. There are many creative ideas out there. Some do crafts, print t-shirts, hold large garage sales, or band together with other adoptive families for charity events. One idea that I thought was cute were four families who came together and held a charity 5k race! John and I might look into that. He is an avid runner and the idea of getting a community together sounds like a lot of fun.
Once again my head is spinning with information. I think I am addicted to Google. The internet just beckons to me and I can't help but type "adoption" in the search bar to see where it will lead me. Hopefully it will lead me that much closer to motherhood.
Anyone have any ideas for fundraising or experiences?
In the meantime, I decided to start a new branch of research entitled "How To Pay For This."
John and I are not rolling in the dough, so to speak. We are financially stable, can pay our bills, and can more than handle raising a child and supplying all the toys he/she needs :). However, the type of adoption we are thinking of will cost between $10,000 to $30,000. Every time I see that range my stomach drops. I get really nervous and a mean little voice says, "There is NO WAY you can afford that."
My research this past weekend has shown that there are hundreds of couples just like us. They can't afford everything either. While some have family financial support and some are lucky to be awarded the free grants that are out there, others are still struggling with the means to bring their children home. But as John says, "Where there's a will, there's a way."
Some advocate fundraising. That idea intrigues me and makes me a little shy. How can I fund raise and ask people for money? Isn't it tacky? Apparently, many people do not think so and are able to complete their goals due to the generosity of others. There are many creative ideas out there. Some do crafts, print t-shirts, hold large garage sales, or band together with other adoptive families for charity events. One idea that I thought was cute were four families who came together and held a charity 5k race! John and I might look into that. He is an avid runner and the idea of getting a community together sounds like a lot of fun.
Once again my head is spinning with information. I think I am addicted to Google. The internet just beckons to me and I can't help but type "adoption" in the search bar to see where it will lead me. Hopefully it will lead me that much closer to motherhood.
Anyone have any ideas for fundraising or experiences?
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Who, What, Where?
Starting a family is a series of huge decisions. We chose adoption as the route to follow. Huge decision number one complete. Onto the next. What type of adoption?
John and I discussed this quite a bit. We feel the right course would be A. Domestic and B. Newborn. While I know that international children deserve families as much as U.S. children, I just feel so right about domestic. Adoption is very much a calling because it is so emotional and personal. I think a lot of decisions are made by instinct and the right decisions are the ones that feel good inside. It's hard to explain to those who don't go through it. Also, international adoptions can be limited when it comes to age of adoptive parents. For certain countries we wouldn't even be considered because we are 25. As for age...this child will be my first. I want to be there for as many moments as I can. I want to experience bringing a child home from the hospital, nervously checking for his/her breath as he/she sleeps, feeding at all hours of the night. I feel like I have a right to want that like other mothers out there.
Onto the next decision...who is going to help us?
For weeks I've been reading, searching, and thinking about different agencies. I found three that are contenders. I've requested information packets and R.S.V.P-ed to free information seminars hosted by these agencies. I've examined every inch of their websites and exhausted Google looking for reviews/complaints. I've joined online support groups and talked with a few in the online community. I took the advice of an adoption guide book I bought last week and checked with the Better Business Bureau. It sounds like I've really done my homework so I should be close to a decision right?
Not even close.
My mind is spinning with facts, statistics, good reviews, bad reviews and anything else I've crammed in there. I think I may be looking at too much. Next week we have our first information session. I hope that after I meet with some social workers I will get a better sense of the agency. (I hope.)
I wish there was someone who could point out "Yep, they are definitely the right one!" John says that in that aspect we will have to wing it a bit. At the end of the day you have to go with your instinct. There's only so much research a person can do.
John and I discussed this quite a bit. We feel the right course would be A. Domestic and B. Newborn. While I know that international children deserve families as much as U.S. children, I just feel so right about domestic. Adoption is very much a calling because it is so emotional and personal. I think a lot of decisions are made by instinct and the right decisions are the ones that feel good inside. It's hard to explain to those who don't go through it. Also, international adoptions can be limited when it comes to age of adoptive parents. For certain countries we wouldn't even be considered because we are 25. As for age...this child will be my first. I want to be there for as many moments as I can. I want to experience bringing a child home from the hospital, nervously checking for his/her breath as he/she sleeps, feeding at all hours of the night. I feel like I have a right to want that like other mothers out there.
Onto the next decision...who is going to help us?
For weeks I've been reading, searching, and thinking about different agencies. I found three that are contenders. I've requested information packets and R.S.V.P-ed to free information seminars hosted by these agencies. I've examined every inch of their websites and exhausted Google looking for reviews/complaints. I've joined online support groups and talked with a few in the online community. I took the advice of an adoption guide book I bought last week and checked with the Better Business Bureau. It sounds like I've really done my homework so I should be close to a decision right?
Not even close.
My mind is spinning with facts, statistics, good reviews, bad reviews and anything else I've crammed in there. I think I may be looking at too much. Next week we have our first information session. I hope that after I meet with some social workers I will get a better sense of the agency. (I hope.)
I wish there was someone who could point out "Yep, they are definitely the right one!" John says that in that aspect we will have to wing it a bit. At the end of the day you have to go with your instinct. There's only so much research a person can do.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Maybe Baby?
Today is the first of September. For some it may signal the end of summer, the return to school, or the last weekend to get plastered and live in a pool. I've never been too fond of September but this year it means something quite different. This year it is the beginning of our journey to the land better known as parenthood.
For months John and I have toyed with the idea of becoming parents. The thought would sneak up on us at the strangest times. During our garage sale wanderings we would "ooh" and "aww" over the baby clothes and toys. Our conversations would more than often turn to "Well, when we have our kids..." etc. We would be shopping at local stores and see a youngin' kicking his or her feet in a cart, laughing. We would smile and wave, meeting each others eyes with the same thought. Wish we could have a baby...
There were a few obstacles in the way to parenthood before. Until November of 2011, I was still in college, eagerly trying to finish my associate's degree. We were a one income household until I happily graduated. We talked of saving some money and paying off some bills. Most of all, we were excited about the idea of becoming parents in the future but we hadn't reached that "Aha!" moment. Also there is the issue of my ability to be pregnant (more on that later).
As the months wore on I found a part-time job, our bills were becoming more than manageable, and we were starting to save on a weekly basis. I found that I couldn't stop thinking about a future family. I brought it up a few times and we giggled about the fact we could decide to start our family at any moment. However, John had some reservations and still felt the time wasn't quite right. I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is my partner and my best friend, if he wasn't ready than I had to accept that and wait for him. We do everything together, that's the way our relationship has been from the start. So I tried not to think about it.
As I was trying to not to think about it, I decided to do something for myself. I joined Weight Watchers in January 2012 and I am still following the program. I decided if motherhood is something I want soon then I have to prepare my body for it. It is not easy and I stumble quite often, but I'm not ready to give up the fight. While constantly battling my weight, I had to do some soul searching. Why did I let myself get to a weight that makes me unhappy? What does that mean for the future? In 2011 I had a talk with my doctor and she said for a girl like me it will be no walk in the park to conceive. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a.k.a PCOS. It means I don't produce enough or in some cases too much of different hormones. It means my body doesn't handle sugar and insulin like a "regular" person does. My metabolism is slower, my energy is lower. My ability to have a baby will be a question mark. Dr. Amenta said it could take one year or three years to have a baby. The dark side of my brain says it might never happen.
This was not news to me. This was something I have dealt with since my teens. The only thing difference from then and now was I had to make a decision about kids. I had to ask myself what I wanted to do. I had to be honest about my feelings and take reality head on. It was heady stuff.
I had an open conversation with John. I told him the realities. We had always dreamed of having kids at a young age. Biologically that was not going to happen. It would be a wait. If we wanted to have kids while we were still in our mid-twenties, we would have to start looking at options. I asked him if he would consider adoption. He wasn't sure he wanted to do that for our first child. When he pictured having our first baby he pictured the traditional way. Being pregnant, driving to the hospital, watch me pelt nurses with ice chips as I push a human out of my body. I have to admit, I always pictured that too. I still picture that. I told him that I still wanted to try and get pregnant in the future. I'm not giving up hope for that dream. But, I want to be a mother and I do not want to wait years for a first child. I can imagine the stress that women like me go through, month after month, year after year, and still no baby, period. To me adoption seemed like the right choice to start our family. If we have biologic children or not, there are still babies who are born every year who need a home, who need loving parents. We want children, they want parents. Simple as that.
It's a huge decision and I don't blame him for wanting to think about it. He had never pictured adoption before. I always knew that I would be a mother, whether I got pregnant or if I adopted. Adoption is not a foreign idea to me. My father adopted me. I was lucky enough to experience both ends of the spectrum. My mother waited three years to get pregnant and triumphantly gave birth to me. It wound up being just the two of us for the first year of my life. My father came in after that and chose not only to be with my mother but to be my father. It's one of the greatest gifts of my life. My family taught me the greatest lesson. Families are not just born they are made. Love is love.
Another month or two go by. The idea is still on the shelf and I don't know when we will take it down. I start to struggle with waiting. I start to feel an ache in my heart. It seems everywhere I turn babies are being born and women are announcing pregnancies. The fact that Snooki is a mother before I am makes me laugh and cry. Finally I had enough. I turned to the man upstairs. I'm not a true religious person. After 14 years of Catholic school I still struggle with my faith and what it means. I try a different approach this time.
Ok God. Here's the deal. I know in my heart of hearts that I want to have children. I don't want to wait. I know a baby is out there waiting for me. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I'm thankful for my life and my husband. If I have to wait then a little longer, then I need your help. Please give me a sign, ANY SIGN. Please show me what I should do.
Three hours after that "conversation" John and I were having our dinner. He had been doing some soul searching as well. He put his arms around me and said, "I want you to show me the website where we can request information about adoption."
I laughed and cried. Coincidence or divine intervention?
For months John and I have toyed with the idea of becoming parents. The thought would sneak up on us at the strangest times. During our garage sale wanderings we would "ooh" and "aww" over the baby clothes and toys. Our conversations would more than often turn to "Well, when we have our kids..." etc. We would be shopping at local stores and see a youngin' kicking his or her feet in a cart, laughing. We would smile and wave, meeting each others eyes with the same thought. Wish we could have a baby...
There were a few obstacles in the way to parenthood before. Until November of 2011, I was still in college, eagerly trying to finish my associate's degree. We were a one income household until I happily graduated. We talked of saving some money and paying off some bills. Most of all, we were excited about the idea of becoming parents in the future but we hadn't reached that "Aha!" moment. Also there is the issue of my ability to be pregnant (more on that later).
As the months wore on I found a part-time job, our bills were becoming more than manageable, and we were starting to save on a weekly basis. I found that I couldn't stop thinking about a future family. I brought it up a few times and we giggled about the fact we could decide to start our family at any moment. However, John had some reservations and still felt the time wasn't quite right. I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is my partner and my best friend, if he wasn't ready than I had to accept that and wait for him. We do everything together, that's the way our relationship has been from the start. So I tried not to think about it.
As I was trying to not to think about it, I decided to do something for myself. I joined Weight Watchers in January 2012 and I am still following the program. I decided if motherhood is something I want soon then I have to prepare my body for it. It is not easy and I stumble quite often, but I'm not ready to give up the fight. While constantly battling my weight, I had to do some soul searching. Why did I let myself get to a weight that makes me unhappy? What does that mean for the future? In 2011 I had a talk with my doctor and she said for a girl like me it will be no walk in the park to conceive. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a.k.a PCOS. It means I don't produce enough or in some cases too much of different hormones. It means my body doesn't handle sugar and insulin like a "regular" person does. My metabolism is slower, my energy is lower. My ability to have a baby will be a question mark. Dr. Amenta said it could take one year or three years to have a baby. The dark side of my brain says it might never happen.
This was not news to me. This was something I have dealt with since my teens. The only thing difference from then and now was I had to make a decision about kids. I had to ask myself what I wanted to do. I had to be honest about my feelings and take reality head on. It was heady stuff.
I had an open conversation with John. I told him the realities. We had always dreamed of having kids at a young age. Biologically that was not going to happen. It would be a wait. If we wanted to have kids while we were still in our mid-twenties, we would have to start looking at options. I asked him if he would consider adoption. He wasn't sure he wanted to do that for our first child. When he pictured having our first baby he pictured the traditional way. Being pregnant, driving to the hospital, watch me pelt nurses with ice chips as I push a human out of my body. I have to admit, I always pictured that too. I still picture that. I told him that I still wanted to try and get pregnant in the future. I'm not giving up hope for that dream. But, I want to be a mother and I do not want to wait years for a first child. I can imagine the stress that women like me go through, month after month, year after year, and still no baby, period. To me adoption seemed like the right choice to start our family. If we have biologic children or not, there are still babies who are born every year who need a home, who need loving parents. We want children, they want parents. Simple as that.
It's a huge decision and I don't blame him for wanting to think about it. He had never pictured adoption before. I always knew that I would be a mother, whether I got pregnant or if I adopted. Adoption is not a foreign idea to me. My father adopted me. I was lucky enough to experience both ends of the spectrum. My mother waited three years to get pregnant and triumphantly gave birth to me. It wound up being just the two of us for the first year of my life. My father came in after that and chose not only to be with my mother but to be my father. It's one of the greatest gifts of my life. My family taught me the greatest lesson. Families are not just born they are made. Love is love.
Another month or two go by. The idea is still on the shelf and I don't know when we will take it down. I start to struggle with waiting. I start to feel an ache in my heart. It seems everywhere I turn babies are being born and women are announcing pregnancies. The fact that Snooki is a mother before I am makes me laugh and cry. Finally I had enough. I turned to the man upstairs. I'm not a true religious person. After 14 years of Catholic school I still struggle with my faith and what it means. I try a different approach this time.
Ok God. Here's the deal. I know in my heart of hearts that I want to have children. I don't want to wait. I know a baby is out there waiting for me. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I'm thankful for my life and my husband. If I have to wait then a little longer, then I need your help. Please give me a sign, ANY SIGN. Please show me what I should do.
Three hours after that "conversation" John and I were having our dinner. He had been doing some soul searching as well. He put his arms around me and said, "I want you to show me the website where we can request information about adoption."
I laughed and cried. Coincidence or divine intervention?
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