Maybe Baby?

Today is the first of September. For some it may signal the end of summer, the return to school, or the last weekend to get plastered and live in a pool. I've never been too fond of September but this year it means something quite different. This year it is the beginning of our journey to the land better known as parenthood.

For months John and I have toyed with the idea of becoming parents. The thought would sneak up on us at the strangest times. During our garage sale wanderings we would "ooh" and "aww" over the baby clothes and toys. Our conversations would more than often turn to "Well, when we have our kids..." etc. We would be shopping at local stores and see a youngin' kicking his or her feet in a cart, laughing. We would smile and wave, meeting each others eyes with the same thought. Wish we could have a baby...

There were a few obstacles in the way to parenthood before. Until November of 2011, I was still in college, eagerly trying to finish my associate's degree. We were a one income household until I happily graduated. We talked of saving some money and paying off some bills. Most of all, we were excited about the idea of becoming parents in the future but we hadn't reached that "Aha!" moment. Also there is the issue of my ability to be pregnant (more on that later).

As the months wore on I found a part-time job, our bills were becoming more than manageable, and we were starting to save on a weekly basis. I found that I couldn't stop thinking about a future family. I brought it up a few times and we giggled about the fact we could decide to start our family at any moment. However, John had some reservations and still felt the time wasn't quite right. I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is my partner and my best friend, if he wasn't ready than I had to accept that and wait for him. We do everything together, that's the way our relationship has been from the start. So I tried not to think about it.

As I was trying to not to think about it, I decided to do something for myself. I joined Weight Watchers in January 2012 and I am still following the program. I decided if motherhood is something I want soon then I have to prepare my body for it. It is not easy and I stumble quite often, but I'm not ready to give up the fight. While constantly battling my weight, I had to do some soul searching. Why did I let myself get to a weight that makes me unhappy? What does that mean for the future? In 2011 I had a talk with my doctor and she said for a girl like me it will be no walk in the park to conceive. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, a.k.a PCOS. It means I don't produce enough or in some cases too much of different hormones. It means my body doesn't handle sugar and insulin like a "regular" person does. My metabolism is slower, my energy is lower. My ability to have a baby will be a question mark. Dr. Amenta said it could take one year or three years to have a baby. The dark side of my brain says it might never happen.

This was not news to me. This was something I have dealt with since my teens. The only thing difference from then and now was I had to make a decision about kids. I had to ask myself what I wanted to do. I had to be honest about my feelings and take reality head on. It was heady stuff.

I had an open conversation with John. I told him the realities. We had always dreamed of having kids at a young age. Biologically that was not going to happen. It would be a wait. If we wanted to have kids while we were still in our mid-twenties, we would have to start looking at options. I asked him if he would consider adoption. He wasn't sure he wanted to do that for our first child. When he pictured having our first baby he pictured the traditional way. Being pregnant, driving to the hospital, watch me pelt nurses with ice chips as I push a human out of my body. I have to admit, I always pictured that too. I still picture that. I told him that I still wanted to try and get pregnant in the future. I'm not giving up hope for that dream. But, I want to be a mother and I do not want to wait years for a first child. I can imagine the stress that women like me go through, month after month, year after year, and still no baby, period. To me adoption seemed like the right choice to start our family. If we have biologic children or not, there are still babies who are born every year who need a home, who need loving parents. We want children, they want parents. Simple as that.

It's a huge decision and I don't blame him for wanting to think about it. He had never pictured adoption before. I always knew that I would be a mother, whether I got pregnant or if I adopted. Adoption is not a foreign idea to me. My father adopted me. I was lucky enough to experience both ends of the spectrum. My mother waited three years to get pregnant and triumphantly gave birth to me. It wound up being just the two of us for the first year of my life. My father came in after that and chose not only to be with my mother but to be my father. It's one of the greatest gifts of my life. My family taught me the greatest lesson. Families are not just born they are made. Love is love.

Another month or two go by. The idea is still on the shelf and I don't know when we will take it down. I start to struggle with waiting. I start to feel an ache in my heart. It seems everywhere I turn babies are being born and women are announcing pregnancies. The fact that Snooki is a mother before I am makes me laugh and cry. Finally I had enough. I turned to the man upstairs. I'm not a true religious person. After 14 years of Catholic school I still struggle with my faith and what it means. I try a different approach this time.

Ok God. Here's the deal. I know in my heart of hearts that I want to have children. I don't want to wait. I know a baby is out there waiting for me. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I'm thankful for my life and my husband. If I have to wait then a little longer, then I need your help. Please give me a sign, ANY SIGN. Please show me what I should do.

Three hours after that "conversation" John and I were having our dinner. He had been doing some soul searching as well. He put his arms around me and said, "I want you to show me the website where we can request information about adoption."

I laughed and cried. Coincidence or divine intervention?