And now for something completely different...

It's been a few weeks since my last post and I have to say that I am feeling....optimistic?

Dear Husband and I had a long talk today. Our life has gone back to a normal routine. We are bouncing back from the renovation hell that engulfed our summer. Our favorite time of year is almost upon us. Things are not perfect but there's more of a balance than there was before. I decided to be completely honest and admit to him that my heart was set on adoption and I am struggling with waiting.

I think I would've felt differently about waiting if we were accomplishing something. Instead everything came to a crashing halt (rightly so). But after a couple months I still cannot let go of this dream. I think it was the first time I was brutally honest about how badly I want to adopt. I think the baby dream is still pulling on John's heartstrings as well. If things continue to go well and we feel like we are on the right path then in January we will begin the adoption process again (kind of). AHHH!

 Of course as soon as he said January I felt a twinge of guilt. Is he doing this for me? Am I pushing him? He assures me that he wants to have children soon. It's always been on our life agenda and he lights up when we talk about having a child soonish. I suppose that will be the deciding factor for January. I need to feel like it's not just me, that he wants this as desperately as I do. I want him to show me that he is pushing for this and he will go the distance. I want him to bring it up instead of me constantly doing so. Maybe I'm secretly terrified that he still won't be emotionally ready and I will be heartbroken again...

But January is encouraging.

Here's the twist in the plot. I'm seriously considering adopting through foster care.

I know right?!?!

I always dismissed it in the beginning. I let the stereotypical myths scare me away. But I've been looking into it and the more I research, the more I like it.

The Pros for fost adopt:
We would be fulfilling our desire to adopt not only domestically but locally!
The cost is minimal compared to private adoption. (Superficial but hey, any money saved on costs can go directly to baby.)
No selling yourself to prospective birth mothers like desperate puppies in a shop window.
No birth mother expenses.
Children are already born and waiting.
We would get the opportunity to love a child and save them from the trauma of shuffling through multiple homes.
Etc.

Of course there are cons. However, I find that most of the cons could apply to all adoptions. There's a risk of getting attached to a child placed in your home that ultimately might leave. There could be long waits. Birth parents could delay terminating their rights. These could happen to anyone in private, fost adopt, or international. Adoption is not a guarantee. Getting pregnant is not a guarantee either. Choosing to have a child is choosing to take a leap of faith and pray that all goes smoothly.

Why not choose the road less traveled and adopt through foster?

We did not make any decisions yet but I feel that this could very well be the right option for us.
*Fingers Crossed*

Deep Down

Hey all.

Well it's November. I'd love to tell you that we have moved forward in our adoption plan but we are standing very still. And it's killing me.

Things have been so crazy in our life and my head is still spinning. We had a major renovation that took three months to complete. The longest three months of my life, by the way. John has been struggling with some issues (non-adoption related). We went to our information meeting and it was fantastic. But the renovation took over our lives and we really needed a breather. So much stress was hitting us all at once. We've been back in the house now for a few weeks and it feels great.

However....

Now that life is starting to calm down I find myself thinking of our future baby. I know he or she is out there, waiting for the right time to come into out lives. But it just breaks my heart knowing that the right time is far away. I've been praying for patience. I've been praying for the strength to trust fate, to trust that life will happen the way it's supposed to be.

Some days it gets easier. Other days it hurts deep down. So deep I don't know where the bottom is.

What's wrong with me? How do I get past this.