My favorite month is here!! Christmas makes everything so magical. I love the lights, the music, and shopping for my favorite people. Not to mention the tons of decorations!! =)
This year has a new meaning for me as well. I keep thinking that this may be our last Christmas not parents. Sometimes I can't believe life is leading me in this direction.
Last week we received our packet from SWAN (Statewide Adoption and Permanency Network). It had some brochures, a list of local adoption agencies and a letter of encouragement from the case worker we talked to on the helpline. After the new year we are going to meet with some of the local agencies and get our home study started. I'm so happy and excited, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
Everyone hears the adoption horror stories. Everyone knows the heartache that comes with it. Fost to adopt has it's own set of fears and sad tales. I haven't told too many people about our plan. I haven't even told my parents yet that adoption is back on the table. Part of that is because we all have been busy! Part of it is because I'm nervous about what they are going to say. I know my parents will support me in whatever goals I really want. But they are parents. They always want to make sure I know the challenges that lay ahead and that I really think I am ready. However, it's just exhausting having to explain how I feel or why. I suppose that comes with the territory though doesn't it?
No one ever asks bio parents "why" they are having a baby. But when you tell someone you want to adopt, despite the "Awesome!" or "That's so exciting!", there's always the inevitable "why?" The answer is simple my friends. I want to be a mother. I want a child to love and raise. Even if I could get pregnant at this very moment I would still want to pursue adoption. When I first started this train of thought I chose it because I thought it would be a safeguard. I thought it was the best answer since pregnancy is not an immediate option. However, that has changed. I have read so many blogs, articles and thoughts of adoptive parents. I have thought about my own adoption in detail, the special relationship my father and I share. This form of parenting is beautiful and full of rewards and love. Why would anyone not choose this? How could I think of it as a "default" option. Now I choose this not as a default, but as something I really want. I choose it because out there somewhere my baby needs a mama.
Because I feel so strongly about this, does that mean I'm not nervous. NO! I am plenty nervous. I'm nervous we won't be approved, I'm nervous that my heart will indeed be broken at points. I'm nervous we'll finally have our baby we have so desperately wanted and I'll have that "What was I thinking?!" moment. I'm nervous that this journey will be long. I'm nervous that our house is small or we'll be broke!
I can spend the rest of my life being nervous about everything but I have always been a shameless optimistic. I have faith that our home study will be approved. I have a loving, strong husband to keep me grounded. I have his love to heal my heart no matter what the situation. I have a crazy, protective, loving family who will always be there for me. If I keep these things in mind, then maybe my journey will be long but not as difficult. Everything works out one way or another. If my life has taught me anything so far, it is that everything happens for a reason and it is better to try then to never know what faith may bring.
